A HEART HEALING TENET TO LIVE BY

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My late father رحمه الله and I used to have conversations after midnight, sometimes in the kitchen whilst munching on fruit or vegetables, and during one of our talks, I can’t recall the exact conversation, he shared with me a valuable question to consider before I endeavour into anything, and the reason for doing so, which stuck with me ever since,

IS IT FOR ALLÂH ﷻ?

Now, the question may seem simple but the answer not quite so nor the implementation, depending on what we as Muslims want from life.

Loving Connections

How much of the above hadeeth applies in our lives?

For any relationship – familial, spousal, friendship, professional, etc. – to prosper, it’s because we’re in it and/or love the person for ALLÂH ﷻ.

The words seem to roll off the tongues of many with little to show for it.

A declaration of love is via ACTION – a deliberate dedication of deed, and an acknowledgement of one another as we are and not what we want others to be.

Doers or listeners of negative and ill-talk – slander, causing dissension between people, backbiting, complaining or venting (which merely translates to backbiting when it’s about others), conveyor of negative and second–hand talk, and gossip, – would cease to exist if we loved one another for The ALL-Merciful ﷻ.

We would always greet one another, be it face-to-face, via calls, messages, texts or email, by invoking one of the most beautiful and perfect names of ALLÂH ﷻ to start and end any communication right, by asking ALLÂH ﷻ, The Perfect and Ultimate Peace, for HIS ﷻ Peace, Mercy and Blessings,

As-Salâmu ‘Alaykum wa Rahmatullâhi wa Barakâtuh.

THERE IS NO REWARD in a mere salâm, a baseless and empty greeting of peace.

Muslims who neglect this simple soothing greeting, or even the shorter “version” (As-Salâmu ‘Alaykum), which gains us high rewards when upheld with the right intention, unveils a little of their character and religious priorities. Even worse, not returning the greeting,

I know for myself, when I’m greeted as such (with genuine affection), I can’t help but smile and feel at ease – an easy, kind and simple joy in life. The opposite is also true, when I’m not greeted as such, I’ve come to notice and realise throughout the years communication breakdowns or a silent sign that questionable conversations will flow in with more ease, creating unease.

This is also true for other Islamic terminologies.

It doesn’t stop there. There are also other means of love.

Establishing heart healing boundaries is one essential way be it in the duration we spend with one another, the frequency in meeting up or reaching out, topics or deeds we choose to engage in, connecting with each other at determined times around the five obligatory prayer time frame, and so on. Heart healing boundaries that enhance us for our love for ALLÂH ﷻ, over nonexistent or unhealing ones that hinder us – supporting or harming our beating hearts, in turn, our nervous and immune systems, as well as our frame of mind.

Distance is another indication. Sometimes, it’s the lesser of two “evils” as being in one another’s presence might be doing more harm than good and so time apart is a preventative measure in not distancing ourselves from ALLÂH ﷻ. It’s also necessary so certain relationships don’t dwindle and dissolve becoming a means to maintain them; otherwise, we would grow out of them or, even worse, resent them or lose respect ending them on a bad note.

Love means accepting, appreciating, forgiving. trusting and receiving with an open and respectful and reflective ear and mind, and an embracing, grateful, kind and merciful heart, melting away grudges, miscommunications, misinterpretations and misunderstandings, rectifying erroneous ways, not remaining silent about ills or instigating them, and expecting the same in return, if our faithful self is a priority and we love one another for ALLÂH ﷻ.

Acts of kindness and mercy in how we are with each other be it in words or silence, in action or inaction, helps in softening our hearts, in turn softening the hearts of others towards us. If kindness seems foreign, then at least not being unkind may lead to kindness down the road (consistency and repetition are key) – for instance, staying quiet instead of saying unkind words be they in the form of insults, gossip, criticism, backbiting, venting, etc.

It’s about reciprocity, giving because we want to and doing so by choice, without expectations in return, out of genuine generosity, kindness and/or mercy. If we treat one another this way, we’ll be in an infinite loop of reciprocity, treating one another as we’d like to be treated, for the sake of our imân (faith).

It’s appreciating that understanding others is as equally important as understanding ourselves, taking us out of our own self-centred ways in wanting to be understood all the time whilst neglecting doing the same for others.

The same is true about rights. Being aware of the rights of others before our own will make us aware of ours through their treatment (or mistreatment) of us. So before we go on about our own rights as a spouse, man or woman, parent, authority, etc., let’s make sure we’re not trampling on the rights of others.

What it comes down to is this: ANY relationship detaching us from ALLÂH ﷻ is unhealing and needs reassessing. This may include our spouses, family, friends, social gatherings, company exuding negativity, or those who are simply holding us back hindering our self-betterment, healing (after healing from ALLÂH ﷻ) and character growth.

Acceptance, Honesty and Hardship

We experience many forms of connections throughout our lives for many reasons: fleeting or lifelong, fun or serious, shallow or deep, superficial or meaningful, personal or professional, and all in between. And, that’s natural.

When it comes to connections we want to hold on to however, whatever type they are, there are three indicators for quality relationships I believe must be present: acceptance and handling of honesty and hardships.

Quality connections and engagements of any kind are conditional, in that they help to bring us closer to ALLÂH ﷻ. They’re also challenging, encouraging and supportive. They have heart healing boundaries for us to respect each others time, energy and choices, regardless of whether we like it or not because it’s not about us.

However, they shouldn’t feel like we’re constantly walking on eggshells, second guessing words, behaviours and actions, be a constant struggle, or an ongoing hardship.

They require we accept each other as we’re created, our natural physical appearance and disposition from ALLÂH ﷻ, and natural temperaments, tendencies and traits we’re gifted from ALLÂH ﷻ that make us who we are, our innate qualities, talents and strengths (all three developed and matured with strategic effort, skills, growth and experience), as well as our not-so-delightful ways we’re tested with.

Thriving connections can handle honesty and the hard – without making it personal or taking it personally with a reflective, factual, neutral and objective ear and words – be they challenges, critiques, – not the so-called constructive criticism because there’s nothing constructive about criticism – differences, difficulties, disagreements, discomfort, disputes, obstacles, serious conversations or confrontations, and the likes.

Yes, that means they require meaningful effort and consideration, just like anything and anyone we hold near and dear and deem a priority or valuable.

If we want genuine quality connections, we know that for us to believe (imân), what we cherish, love and respect for ourselves, we cherish, love and respect for others – even if they’re not lifelong relationships; for our interactions with others, even without love, can help increase our faith thus showcasing our character.

Ultimately, whatever connections we make, it’s one that will bring us closer to ALLÂH ﷻ – FULL STOP!

PUBLIC, PERSONAL, PRIVATE

Whatever we’re striving for – credentials, career, vocation, material possessions, money, “altruism”, sharing talents, skills, learnings and experiences, disseminating knowledge, improving ourselves, guiding others, etc., – is to be solely for ALLÂH ﷻ.

To ensure we’re making the right decision or choice, we should ask ourselves this simple and crystal clear question,

IS IT FOR ALLÂH ﷻ?

There are only three answers to this:

However, how can we know for sure it’s for ALLÂH ﷻ?

What will clarify the answer to any of the above three?

It’s really simple: Istikhâra Prayer. A foundational ritual and one of the best guiding tools to simplify choice- and decision-making, soothe the heart and ease the mind, by asking for THE ULTIMATE GUIDANCE FROM ALLÂH ﷻ in ALL matters be they minor or major and all in between.

Think of istikhâra as a sustainable skill and heart healing habit. The more we uphold it, the more we hone our intuition, heighten our response mechanisms and enhance our perception – perceiving opportunities and possibilities we may never have thought of or even considered without istkhâra, which may make us change direction or choice to explore, experiment with and/or experience.

With istikhâra, we come to understand our own individual signals of yes (kheer to invest in, explore or experiment with), no (not yet or never) or neutral – usually a sign meaning it’s not the appropriate time or that something or someone else may come along that’s a better or more suitable option, choice or decision for us.

Before choosing how we want to invest our time, energy, health, earnings, and gained knowledge and skills, before endeavouring into anything or with someone, whether it’s for free or paid, seems trivial or not, connect and consult with ALLÂH ﷻ through istikhâra. It could be publishing a book or website post, sharing on “social” media, attending a wedding, having children, socialising, buying or fixing something, making health decisions, etc. Anything and everything.

Begin to witness how this simple yet potent deed will help in creating more meaningful connections with others.

This is tawakkul – reliance on ALLÂH ﷻ.

A beneficial byproduct is it helps to lessen people pleasing and decision fatigue, and clarify when to say yes or no assertively without guilt. We gain more clarity, make deliberate decisions and implement with more intention.

It can also end the cycle of seeking approval, confirmation or permission if we have a tendency to keep asking others for their opinions about our own choices or decisions. Consulting with others is fine; but when it’s a habit and with more than two or three people, particularly if they’re not equipped to guide us in what we’re asking about, then that’s a clear sign it’s not the right decision for us at least in our current situation OR we need to work on our self-doubt to relearn to trust our own decision-making (EFT can be beneficial here to help rewire the subconscious and nervous system) and relearn to rely on istikhâra, only seeking specific consult.

One (of many) great relieving effect is it pushes us into action if we tend to procrastinate, delay or are slow to action towards a decisive actionable direction; and it slows us down if we’re the hasty type (like me) to take a breather before jumping in with both feet.

Again, it’s for ALLÂH ﷻ.

reflective responsibility

We’re to hold ourselves with applicable accountability regarding our own intentions, thoughts and actions, as well as the deeds of those we love.

It may seem hard to live a life by this question, but Muslims whose way of life is Islâm, who are proactive in their self-growth and heart healing, and are committed and consistent in improving in every possible way until they return to ALLÂH ﷻ, removing expectations, excuses, hesitations, justifications, rationalisations, self-lies and negativity from their lives, and hold themselves accountable with 100% ownership, will live by this premise.

Those of us who strive for the better appreciate deliberate deeds and work, and understand nothing worthy in life comes easy without meaningful effort, energy and dedicated time for what we perceive as significant or invaluable.

Following the same reasoning, if we want what’s after this life, doesn’t working for it, and at it, seem more impelling?

Applying that tenet in our lives, we can’t but live a life pleasing to ALLÂH ﷻ – and we will be wiser for it.

When we do wrong, we are human after all, we will introspect, examine our deed(s), work on rectifying it and more so on not repeating it. We will feel lighter, free from any unnecessary inner or outer turmoil.

We need to constantly ask ourselves with transparency and openness if our feelings, thoughts, words, silences and deeds are bringing us closer to ALLÂH ﷻ or not – the how, what, when, where, who and why in the INVESTMENT of time, health, energy, money, and gained knowledge and skills.

It distills down to this: self-discipline. The discipline to enjoy the process of a faithful way of life, with ALL the ups and downs, the messiness and ugliness we’ll face, the tests and signs we’ll go though. If it feels like grinding teeth and forceful work, then we need to revisit and reassess the VOW we made to ALLÂH ﷻ through the shahâdah, and grasp and implement its meaning with a renewed intention, because somewhere along the way, it must have skewed for worldly gains.

Embracing our faithful selves through an unapologetic and unashamed selfish perspective, will make us think about ourselves in the afterlife, when no one will be there for us, with us all concerned about saving ourselves. By being selfish in this way, our choices, decisions, words and deeds will align for the sake of ALLÂH ﷻ to please HIM ﷻ and no one else.

The question is to have a permanent haven in our hearts and minds, at the forefront, IF ALLÂH ﷻ IS OUR FIRST LOVE and we ONLY FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM ﷻ, placing our loyalty to and hope in HIM ﷻ ALONE.

A profound gain: the heart healing fulfillment of making it easier for sakeena (calmness, contentment, inner peace, serenity and tranquility all-in-one, and more) to be more of an occurrence than not, removing all other attachments.

So, I ask we mull over our lives, once again, honestly,

IS IT FOR ALLÂH ﷻ?

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